striving/failing

With me, I'm not really sure that there is a difference between striving and failing because to strive is to fail, especially when it comes to Christianity. I know that the title of my blog is 'growing in grace,' but i am sick of being a hypocrite. It's been months since i've read my Bible on my own in devotion, an equal amount of time has passed since i prayed, and i've absolutely never felt secure as a child of God. The reason, therefore, must be that i am not a Christian.

Of course to say such a thing is very scary, which is why I want to clarify and say that while I do not think that i am saved right now, i do strongly hope that I am. My hope largely springs from standing on the edge of eternity and seeing nothing but death. Obviously, i don't want to go to hell, and I can't honestly say that I do not believe that it exists. However, it is not only my fear of death that causes me to balk at a future without God. I see no possibility of happiness for me on earth without God. Sure, I can take pleasure in certain things, but there can be no joy, and, further, i am not capable of meaningful relationships with people, as I am now. AW Tozer once said, "Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you will get neither."

I truly believe that there is no possibility of fulfillment on earth or after without God, but i get bogged down in the simple pleasures of the world. They're so distracting, and, even more than that, they're so damning. But, even though I understand their meaninglessness, i can't make myself give certain things up. Not only am I currently living a stagnant spiritual life, I'm regressing. I've always been sort of the 'good girl' of the family, but if they knew the things that i've done-what i am doing- my family would freak out.

"Lord, i know what is right, but i am sick of striving. It is getting me nowhere because i am helpless without you. please, please, please take my eyes off me and turn them on you. Once I see you as you are, let me see me as I am. Having seen how very small I am, allow me to understand that obedience to you is not a burden but a privelege."

I need to confess right away that the above prayer is not completely sincere. It is really what I wish that I felt. I've prayed a variation of that prayer so many times with no avail that i am running low on hope.

But everyday I am at a crossroads. Having grown up in a very godly family where the principles of the Bible were taught and lived out, i have to choose whether to turn myself over completely to God or to become the worst sinner in hell.

"There is a Spirit that Delights to do no Evil"

With his dying breaths, James Naylor, an English Quaker, proclaimed, "There is a spirit which I feel that delights to do no evil..." He uttered this statement after years of persecution. However, I'm not going to dwell on how he overcame hardship and learned to be content in a trying situation because that would be to miss the point of this very compelling statement.

My reaction when I first read his dying words was, "Oh, that I would know it!" I, like many deeply religious people, am constantly struggling against my flesh. I know the truth, but knowing and doing are two completely different things. I have found, in the past, that for me to obey God's commands I must fight against myself because I am sinful at the core. During bouts of inspiration, I have attempted to do "great" things for God and, at times, I have succeeded only to realize that I did the deeds for the wrong reasons. Most of the time it was because I wanted people to see how godly I was, but sometimes I just wanted to prove to myself that I was saved. Had I died a year ago, I may have rephrased James Naylor's words in the form of a question: "Is there a spirit that delights to do no evil?"

I have found the answer to be, for every true Christian, an emphatic, "yes." All men are born with an evil spirit that delights, on its own, only to do wickedness. However, in His mercy, God changes the hearts of his chosen people. In Ezekiel, God says, "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh." No longer are we inclined to sin, but we desire to glorify God in all that we do. We are in fact changed from sinful to holy, and the law of God is written in our hearts. Being thus regenerated, Christians can affirm the words of Naylor and continue on to say that this spirit's "...ground and spring is the mercies and forgiveness of God. It's crown is meekness, it's life is everlasting love unfeigned..."

"Return oh Wanderer, now return, and seek the Father's face,
Those new desires which in thee burn were kindled by His grace.
Return oh Wanderer, now return, and wipe the fallen tear,
Thy Father calls- no longer mourn; 'tis love invites thee near."

College. Life.

Last week in music technology class, our professor strongly encouraged us to start a blog. I can't quite remember why. I think he may have used the old "everybody's doing it" argument and, as usual, it was very effective.
I'm currently a sophmore in college. I attend a small, Christian college in the north, where it snows constantly, but I don't mind. I love the cold and the snow. For one thing, it is very beautiful. At night, light reflects of the snow and on cloudy days, turns the sky into a purplish color. The branches of the trees are iced over and they sparkle in the sunlight. However, there are hazards that go along with this. Yesterday, i was walking to class, minding my own business, when the wind blew and shook the trees enough that the ice cracked and little shards started raining down on me. Now i duck my head every time I walk under a tree (which really is a fair amount of the time) and if the wind starts blowing, I run.
About college life: at this moment I have no strong feelings. I can't honestly say, "i love it!" or "it's horrible." Two days ago I may have gone with the latter because I was miserable, but i wouldn't blame college very much for my misery. College is pretty cool actually. at least i think mine is. I visited a friend last summer at her college and drinking seemed to be their only activity. That's not how it is here. We are not allowed to drink and it wouldn't be worth the risk, although I know some kids still do. Personally, I tried drinking twice and realized that it is not for me. I was really curious about alcohol before I tried it. I had a suspicion, (like alot of kids do) that it really does not affect people as strongly as they make it seem. i thought that adults used alcohol as an excuse to say and do things that would normally be inappropriate. I was pretty confident in that theory, but, needless to say, I was wrong. I was very surprised when I tried it and felt the effects. It really did remove my inhibitions and i became a whole different person. I actually talked in the company of others and was friendly. I realize that it is good to be friendly, but not artificially. I embrace my inhibitions. The main reason that I don't drink anymore though, is that its wrong. i have been commanded (as we all have) by God to obey the governing authorities. I am underage and so drinking, for me, is wrong. Although, I admit, I have a much easier time obeying the comand not to drink than not to watch copyright movies on youtube.