dissipation

Sometimes I think that it would be easy to just disappear. It wouldn't be easy for everyone, but I could definitely pull it off. I'm one of those people who don't take up much space. I'm small, i don't say much, i walk quietly, play quietly, fume quietly... My mark on earth is so small that, as far as other people are concerned, i might as well not be here.
I know that is a terrible attitude, and it is not completely true. I have a great family who would miss me unconditionally and a best friend who only has me to talk to and would hate it if i left. But sometimes I think that she would be almost just as well off talking to herself as to me. Half of our conversations consist of me sitting expressionlessly while she talks at me. it is really annoying. I go to a great college full of lovely, godly students and i have not even begun to take advantage of the potential relationships. I have one friend that I am with all of the time. She, being an only child, is okay with it. However, I, as the middle child of 5, need to either be by myself more or spend time with other people. I'm sorry, i really don't want to be one of those people who vent online to anonymous people about individuals in their life because they're too wimpy to talk to people face to face, but i'm fairly sure noone reads this, and even if someone happens to come across it, i won't mention any names.
I would love to make more friends and generally have fun with people but I am not capable. You may not believe me, but it is, without a doubt, true. I am extremely quiet and witless. i try to smile at people and be semi-friendly, but once an actual conversation is started, the other person either gets bored because i have nothing to say or is made unconfortable by my akwardness. I'm not going to lie or try to create a psuedo-cool cyber identity. I'm one of the most akward people i've ever met. Pity the recipient of my attentions-unless they're one of those annoying people who like to go on and on about anything that pops into their head, even if the one they're talking to gives them no encouragement. I can't stand people who like to soliliquize and not converse. although i'm not much better. i just stand around and make people unconfortable.
Aah, i hate how much i think about and analyze myself! i absolutely hate it. i know self-deprecation is a form of pride and i will admit that, while i don't like myself a good amount of the time, I do sinfully love myself. alot. That's something I have tried to get over as a Christian. i've wanted to replace my countless thoughts about myself with thoughts about God, but lately, i haven't been trying at all.
If anyone had met me in the last year, they would have no idea that I'm a Christian. I don't act like one at all. I've done things and got involved with people that I strongly regret. Actually, I don't really regret it yet, but I will later. I'm sure regret will appear when i meet a man that i am serious about and he asks if I have ever had a boyfriend and I have to say, "no, not really, but i was kind of involved in a 'friend with benefits" relationship." That'll be the end of that relationship unless i've changed alot by that time. Hopefully i'll be a different person in a couple of years. however, that requiers work, and i am morally lazy.
okay... i need to stop rambling. Goodbye.

striving/failing

With me, I'm not really sure that there is a difference between striving and failing because to strive is to fail, especially when it comes to Christianity. I know that the title of my blog is 'growing in grace,' but i am sick of being a hypocrite. It's been months since i've read my Bible on my own in devotion, an equal amount of time has passed since i prayed, and i've absolutely never felt secure as a child of God. The reason, therefore, must be that i am not a Christian.

Of course to say such a thing is very scary, which is why I want to clarify and say that while I do not think that i am saved right now, i do strongly hope that I am. My hope largely springs from standing on the edge of eternity and seeing nothing but death. Obviously, i don't want to go to hell, and I can't honestly say that I do not believe that it exists. However, it is not only my fear of death that causes me to balk at a future without God. I see no possibility of happiness for me on earth without God. Sure, I can take pleasure in certain things, but there can be no joy, and, further, i am not capable of meaningful relationships with people, as I am now. AW Tozer once said, "Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you will get neither."

I truly believe that there is no possibility of fulfillment on earth or after without God, but i get bogged down in the simple pleasures of the world. They're so distracting, and, even more than that, they're so damning. But, even though I understand their meaninglessness, i can't make myself give certain things up. Not only am I currently living a stagnant spiritual life, I'm regressing. I've always been sort of the 'good girl' of the family, but if they knew the things that i've done-what i am doing- my family would freak out.

"Lord, i know what is right, but i am sick of striving. It is getting me nowhere because i am helpless without you. please, please, please take my eyes off me and turn them on you. Once I see you as you are, let me see me as I am. Having seen how very small I am, allow me to understand that obedience to you is not a burden but a privelege."

I need to confess right away that the above prayer is not completely sincere. It is really what I wish that I felt. I've prayed a variation of that prayer so many times with no avail that i am running low on hope.

But everyday I am at a crossroads. Having grown up in a very godly family where the principles of the Bible were taught and lived out, i have to choose whether to turn myself over completely to God or to become the worst sinner in hell.

"There is a Spirit that Delights to do no Evil"

With his dying breaths, James Naylor, an English Quaker, proclaimed, "There is a spirit which I feel that delights to do no evil..." He uttered this statement after years of persecution. However, I'm not going to dwell on how he overcame hardship and learned to be content in a trying situation because that would be to miss the point of this very compelling statement.

My reaction when I first read his dying words was, "Oh, that I would know it!" I, like many deeply religious people, am constantly struggling against my flesh. I know the truth, but knowing and doing are two completely different things. I have found, in the past, that for me to obey God's commands I must fight against myself because I am sinful at the core. During bouts of inspiration, I have attempted to do "great" things for God and, at times, I have succeeded only to realize that I did the deeds for the wrong reasons. Most of the time it was because I wanted people to see how godly I was, but sometimes I just wanted to prove to myself that I was saved. Had I died a year ago, I may have rephrased James Naylor's words in the form of a question: "Is there a spirit that delights to do no evil?"

I have found the answer to be, for every true Christian, an emphatic, "yes." All men are born with an evil spirit that delights, on its own, only to do wickedness. However, in His mercy, God changes the hearts of his chosen people. In Ezekiel, God says, "A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you a heart of flesh." No longer are we inclined to sin, but we desire to glorify God in all that we do. We are in fact changed from sinful to holy, and the law of God is written in our hearts. Being thus regenerated, Christians can affirm the words of Naylor and continue on to say that this spirit's "...ground and spring is the mercies and forgiveness of God. It's crown is meekness, it's life is everlasting love unfeigned..."

"Return oh Wanderer, now return, and seek the Father's face,
Those new desires which in thee burn were kindled by His grace.
Return oh Wanderer, now return, and wipe the fallen tear,
Thy Father calls- no longer mourn; 'tis love invites thee near."

College. Life.

Last week in music technology class, our professor strongly encouraged us to start a blog. I can't quite remember why. I think he may have used the old "everybody's doing it" argument and, as usual, it was very effective.
I'm currently a sophmore in college. I attend a small, Christian college in the north, where it snows constantly, but I don't mind. I love the cold and the snow. For one thing, it is very beautiful. At night, light reflects of the snow and on cloudy days, turns the sky into a purplish color. The branches of the trees are iced over and they sparkle in the sunlight. However, there are hazards that go along with this. Yesterday, i was walking to class, minding my own business, when the wind blew and shook the trees enough that the ice cracked and little shards started raining down on me. Now i duck my head every time I walk under a tree (which really is a fair amount of the time) and if the wind starts blowing, I run.
About college life: at this moment I have no strong feelings. I can't honestly say, "i love it!" or "it's horrible." Two days ago I may have gone with the latter because I was miserable, but i wouldn't blame college very much for my misery. College is pretty cool actually. at least i think mine is. I visited a friend last summer at her college and drinking seemed to be their only activity. That's not how it is here. We are not allowed to drink and it wouldn't be worth the risk, although I know some kids still do. Personally, I tried drinking twice and realized that it is not for me. I was really curious about alcohol before I tried it. I had a suspicion, (like alot of kids do) that it really does not affect people as strongly as they make it seem. i thought that adults used alcohol as an excuse to say and do things that would normally be inappropriate. I was pretty confident in that theory, but, needless to say, I was wrong. I was very surprised when I tried it and felt the effects. It really did remove my inhibitions and i became a whole different person. I actually talked in the company of others and was friendly. I realize that it is good to be friendly, but not artificially. I embrace my inhibitions. The main reason that I don't drink anymore though, is that its wrong. i have been commanded (as we all have) by God to obey the governing authorities. I am underage and so drinking, for me, is wrong. Although, I admit, I have a much easier time obeying the comand not to drink than not to watch copyright movies on youtube.