dissipation

Sometimes I think that it would be easy to just disappear. It wouldn't be easy for everyone, but I could definitely pull it off. I'm one of those people who don't take up much space. I'm small, i don't say much, i walk quietly, play quietly, fume quietly... My mark on earth is so small that, as far as other people are concerned, i might as well not be here.
I know that is a terrible attitude, and it is not completely true. I have a great family who would miss me unconditionally and a best friend who only has me to talk to and would hate it if i left. But sometimes I think that she would be almost just as well off talking to herself as to me. Half of our conversations consist of me sitting expressionlessly while she talks at me. it is really annoying. I go to a great college full of lovely, godly students and i have not even begun to take advantage of the potential relationships. I have one friend that I am with all of the time. She, being an only child, is okay with it. However, I, as the middle child of 5, need to either be by myself more or spend time with other people. I'm sorry, i really don't want to be one of those people who vent online to anonymous people about individuals in their life because they're too wimpy to talk to people face to face, but i'm fairly sure noone reads this, and even if someone happens to come across it, i won't mention any names.
I would love to make more friends and generally have fun with people but I am not capable. You may not believe me, but it is, without a doubt, true. I am extremely quiet and witless. i try to smile at people and be semi-friendly, but once an actual conversation is started, the other person either gets bored because i have nothing to say or is made unconfortable by my akwardness. I'm not going to lie or try to create a psuedo-cool cyber identity. I'm one of the most akward people i've ever met. Pity the recipient of my attentions-unless they're one of those annoying people who like to go on and on about anything that pops into their head, even if the one they're talking to gives them no encouragement. I can't stand people who like to soliliquize and not converse. although i'm not much better. i just stand around and make people unconfortable.
Aah, i hate how much i think about and analyze myself! i absolutely hate it. i know self-deprecation is a form of pride and i will admit that, while i don't like myself a good amount of the time, I do sinfully love myself. alot. That's something I have tried to get over as a Christian. i've wanted to replace my countless thoughts about myself with thoughts about God, but lately, i haven't been trying at all.
If anyone had met me in the last year, they would have no idea that I'm a Christian. I don't act like one at all. I've done things and got involved with people that I strongly regret. Actually, I don't really regret it yet, but I will later. I'm sure regret will appear when i meet a man that i am serious about and he asks if I have ever had a boyfriend and I have to say, "no, not really, but i was kind of involved in a 'friend with benefits" relationship." That'll be the end of that relationship unless i've changed alot by that time. Hopefully i'll be a different person in a couple of years. however, that requiers work, and i am morally lazy.
okay... i need to stop rambling. Goodbye.