striving/failing

With me, I'm not really sure that there is a difference between striving and failing because to strive is to fail, especially when it comes to Christianity. I know that the title of my blog is 'growing in grace,' but i am sick of being a hypocrite. It's been months since i've read my Bible on my own in devotion, an equal amount of time has passed since i prayed, and i've absolutely never felt secure as a child of God. The reason, therefore, must be that i am not a Christian.

Of course to say such a thing is very scary, which is why I want to clarify and say that while I do not think that i am saved right now, i do strongly hope that I am. My hope largely springs from standing on the edge of eternity and seeing nothing but death. Obviously, i don't want to go to hell, and I can't honestly say that I do not believe that it exists. However, it is not only my fear of death that causes me to balk at a future without God. I see no possibility of happiness for me on earth without God. Sure, I can take pleasure in certain things, but there can be no joy, and, further, i am not capable of meaningful relationships with people, as I am now. AW Tozer once said, "Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you will get neither."

I truly believe that there is no possibility of fulfillment on earth or after without God, but i get bogged down in the simple pleasures of the world. They're so distracting, and, even more than that, they're so damning. But, even though I understand their meaninglessness, i can't make myself give certain things up. Not only am I currently living a stagnant spiritual life, I'm regressing. I've always been sort of the 'good girl' of the family, but if they knew the things that i've done-what i am doing- my family would freak out.

"Lord, i know what is right, but i am sick of striving. It is getting me nowhere because i am helpless without you. please, please, please take my eyes off me and turn them on you. Once I see you as you are, let me see me as I am. Having seen how very small I am, allow me to understand that obedience to you is not a burden but a privelege."

I need to confess right away that the above prayer is not completely sincere. It is really what I wish that I felt. I've prayed a variation of that prayer so many times with no avail that i am running low on hope.

But everyday I am at a crossroads. Having grown up in a very godly family where the principles of the Bible were taught and lived out, i have to choose whether to turn myself over completely to God or to become the worst sinner in hell.